Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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