3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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