It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
