Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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