also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
