i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
