I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
