you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
