he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
