I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she looked like the before picture.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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