just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
