She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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