Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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