i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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