Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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