remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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