DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
