Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
