He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
