First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
mondays should just be called national damage control day
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
