good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
