Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
