Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
