The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
