good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
