Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
