Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
