She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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