Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
