Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
