I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
