i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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