i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
