I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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