I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
