Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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