I don't usually arrange sex via text message
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
