I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
my poor anus
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
