Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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