did you get engaged???
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
