The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
