when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
as a side note pls kill me
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
