i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
