I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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