there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
