I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
