Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
