She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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