I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
