recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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