census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
