and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
