You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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