If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
