I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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