i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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